In Between Head and Heart

I think I have my voice back. Feels good. Somewhere in between my head and my heart the words were lost for awhile there. Mouth quiet. What happens in between that space?  Something goes awry.  The heart feels and the head thinks on it, often twisting, shifting and turning the feelings into something they are not.  Feelings get lost in thin air. Call me over-analytical. Wouldn't be the first time.

My heart is leading now. Chest out.

It is full moon tomorrow. The last full moon I will experience in South Africa. There are going to be a lot of first 'lasts' in the next few weeks. My time here is winding down. Here's what this full moon represents: "The container from which you operate your daily life is being stretched and worked, and you are being asked by spirit to step up to the plate. This is the time of giving birth to a new way of being, and as in real birth, there is no going back." (Agreed.)

My container is definitely being stretched and worked. Growth. I wish you could see growth in a person on the inside. When I arrive back in Canada in a month, I will likely look the same to everyone. My hair might have changed, my nails might have grown, my skin may have a few more wrinkles, etc. However, I will still be Brianna physically. People will recognize me as her. What is not evident, is the transformation, stretching, working, changes in spirit/soul/heart. These things you cannot see. This is disappointing. How do you prove expansion? In words? In eyes? In touch?

My friend David arrives in 3 weeks!!! I can't wait for company. We are planning to spend time in Cape Town and then drive up the coastline to Port Elizabeth before I fly home. It's supposed to be AMAZING scenery. It will be so nice to see a familiar face...I will be blown over with emotion. Lucky him.   

Finally, I had a big day yesterday in the life of my practicum. I had to present the conceptual framework, research questions and methodology for my reserach study to a group of 'child protection experts' during a closed board meeting. Suprisingly, I wasn't even nervous. I was sound in my work prior so felt that I could articulate myself clearly. It went well, and opened the doorway for me to enter into the final phase. I am very happy with what I have accomplished here. 

Blessings, 

Brianna

Threads

Today I attended the National Child Care and Protection Forum in Johannesburg. These happen quarterly and involve provincial and national government staff from various departments as well as national NGO staff. As I sat there and looked around the hot and stuffy room, I couldn't believe that I recognized and KNEW about 50% of the faces in there. There were about 125 attendees so you do the math. In less than 3 months, I have managed to find myself in a 'team'. And amongst 'colleagues', who I consider friends, and who say "hi, how are you?" and all that. They know my role and where I fit in. Wow. That felt really, really good. Especially because I am a young foreigner who REALLY feels out of place most of the time.

All of these faces will be threads, weaving in and out of my mind, for the rest of my life. I don't forget faces.

As we drove home, yelling above the radio (Carmen and I do this when we get excited - I'll miss her), I realized that this purpose of mine, this motivating force, will be done and gone in about 3 weeks. I have worked so very hard for the last 11 months, on and through my Masters. This practicum is the accumulation of all the learning and final test. I have immersed myself in the job at hand, acting as if I was a full-time staff member, not a learner. It gives me life. And then, suddenly, poof! It will be over and I'll be home and onto the next challenge. This made my heart sad.

I have hence made a promise to myself, that I will not look behind me or ahead of me until the time comes to say good-bye.

Presently yours,
Brianna

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Oh little blog + friends how I have been neglecting thee. I'm here, alive and 50% well. Just overwhelmed and can't seem to find the 'space between' to write and synthesize my thoughts.

I've definitely hit 'the wall' as I call it - the time when the excitement and adrenaline from being in a new place wears off and you're stuck with yourself.  I am reminded of the marathon I ran, and hitting the wall after going straight for 3 hours, then having to find the strength somewhere, somehow to continue. The soul-searching begins now. I guess I have practice.

I will be back soon, once I get clarity from digging deep.

Brianna xo