Fear: Myth or Truth?

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” - Ambrose Redmoon

Amidst the noise and behind the bars, today I sit with my soul and am reflecting upon the first month of physically being in South Africa. I have struggled to get clarity through the chaos that I experience on a daily basis. More often than not, I’m riddled with questions and alerts regarding my whereabouts in Pretoria and who is nearby, and further who could possibly invade my personal space. I’ve never been so aware of my colour and gender in my life. Externally, the sounds and sights are distracting my every move.

I desperately needed a “Bri” day today which managed to include: a walk to the shops, a run, my favourite songs (ahhhh), a good book/newspaper, sports on TV and delicious food. This morning, the sun shone through the windows as I drank my daily morning coffee. (I couldn’t help but think about the irony of the blaring sun as it tries to compensate for the ‘criminal’ aspect of this place. The sun argues against darkness every day.)

One emotion dominates and permeates my psyche when thinking about my first month. That emotion being fear. Honestly, I was worried about living here before I left Canada; that hasn’t changed...yet it didn’t halt me in my tracks. I was concerned mostly for my own personal safety in South Africa, the country with the most reported violent crime in the world. Typically, I am not a fearful person, in fact, one might argue I was brave for coming to South Africa, alone as a young, vibrant female. I never encounter new situations with fear, I usually embrace them with openness, love, curiosity and acceptance for what is. In South Africa those aforementioned emotions have also been present...with the accompaniment of fear mind you. I’ve sat in between the bars trying to overcome the fear.

What I find myself battling with is whether or not this fear is mythically placed or based in some some sort of reality? What would happen if those security bars were removed from around people’s homes? Anything worthy of the bars being there? I don’t know if they make me feel more or less secure. I also am an amateur on South Africa, so, can’t necessary proclaim to be an expert. However, I do know what the media says (it’s full of terrible stories). I see the concern in people’s eyes and hear the worry in their words when I say I’m here alone. I’m beginning to explore what locals say (I had a long discussion the other night with a young Afrikaans girl who is planning to migrate to Australia with her partner – all they want to do is leave.)

Bearing all of this in mind, I do think I need to make a mental shift and be cautious, not fearful in the months to come. Fear is causing me to stay up at night as I am thinking too much about the “What ifs?" I believe I can get on with things here with a more calmed heart. I trust what people are telling me regarding how to remain safe and am feeling more like my feet are on the ground as each day passes. The earth is solid beneath my shoes as I wander with eyes wider than before.

I am so grateFULL for my practicum. I go to work everyday knowing what my purpose for being here is as well as believing in the purpose! I am getting exactly the kind of experience I wanted....and more. I have already sat and contributed in meetings with banks and development agencies. I have been in training that is relevant and adds to my pre-existing knowledge base including mainstreaming gender in research and project management. I am dealing with children’s rights. Yes!! AND I get to be creative and come up with a research methodology and travel to provinces to interview social workers. Hello? It's social work + management + children + project creativity. All in a day's work. 

I miss you all at home...and am sending lots of love.

Brianna

The Safari

First off, thanks to everyone for their kind words regarding my blog. You are my motivation for continuing to write. I know it’s been a few days but there is a lot to say and I have struggled to find the time to sit down and focus on the task of describing my weekend.

I must say that raindrops are following us around the country! First in Cape Town, and now in Kruger National Park. Shame. (But, I guess it is winter here so I need to stop complaining.)

We ended up on a 3 day safari in very chilly conditions, making the open air game drives somewhat uncomfortable, shivering under our blankets. However, the weather was easily won over by the beauty that is the African bush and the wonder of the spectacle of animals in their natural habitat. Emma and I stayed in a very rustic camp with little huts without any electricity. Awesome. The only thing lighting the way at night was our lanterns and the open campfire in the main lodge. We were on the Klaserie Game Reserve in particular and this is where we stayed: http://www.sa-venues.com/visit/africaonfoot/

Saturday afternoon we went out on the 4x4 and saw lots of impala, a warthog, kudu and a female lion walking by herself down the road ahead of us. She was beautiful and the guides said she had cubs based on her appearance (she was visibly lactating). We turned off the engine to hear the lions roaring under the stars. They were surprisingly loud, those Kings of the savanna! We took in the Southern Cross and Scorpio constellations above our heads. The moon was also red and full in true African style. 

After a delicious dinner around the campfire on Saturday night, we were told to silently move towards the swimming pool. And voila! There was a herd of elephants drinking from it...about 6 of them including a baby! We shone the flashlights on them and finally they got a bit stressed and so proceeded to move on, but we did get a great look. Amazing to know that animals just rock up to the camp like that!! I slept like a baby to the soothing sounds of the winds and owls hoo hooing.

The second day we saw another herd of elephants and more kudu. We went on a nature walk and saw lots of different plants and trees and kinds of dung (I’m now an expert on animal poo...and saw proof that giraffes and hyenas were also in the area.) Later that night we went on another drive and saw dozens of zebras and a few rhinos. They were so quick on their feet and jetted away from our obtrusive headlights!

The final morning (Monday) we set off on a long morning walk and it was spectacular to watch the sunrise (we set off at 6 am) and to relish in being so connected to nature. I just couldn’t quite get my head around where I was...AFRICA. The one animal I didn’t get to see by the end of the 3 days that I desparately wanted to was a giraffe. However, the guide pointed out a bone we came across that morning, it was huge. He told me it belonged to a giraffe leg and that a lion had clearly killed it to eat. I was sad to see this but realize it is the true nature of the food chain. (Then, ironically, as we were exiting the park, I was driving and Emma spotted 4 giraffes by the side of the road! So...........my safari experience was complete indeed!)

After this experience I was thinking about how humans and animals in this particular community (and many others for that matter across the world) live in harmony. Humans here respect the animal’s space and vice verse. There is an innate courtesy for how each species live. Yet, humans and other humans can’t seem to get it together and respect each other in the same fashion.  I heard on the news about the Israeli attack on the Palestinian boat, how blacks and whites continue to fight for position and resources in this country, the war raging in Afghanistan, etc. How can we not live in peace given all of our so-called 'advances' and ‘global’ view we claim to have? If animals and humans got it figured out, so should we really. 

Possibly the biggest shock I’ve had since arriving on the 8^th of May occurred on the way home from Kruger National Park. I should say as a disclaimer that the drivers and the roads here are quite unlike anything I’ve seen before. You have to be completely aware at all time and on the lookout for potholes, road kill, animals grazing, school kids walking, people flagging taxis, cars driving at break neck speed, etc. PLUS we are dealing with being on the other side of the road. Concentration is mandatory. Emma and I were about 1 hour out of Pretoria on a fairly decent double-laned highway and we came upon a very bad car accident. It must have just happened a few minutes before because there was not yet emergency help on the scene. As we approached, I realized that bodies were on road. There were likely two dead and others injured, but I couldn’t bring myself to look closely. Talk about traumatizing. I have never seen anything like this in my life and felt ill.

I have come to the realization that this is the reality of Africa. Death and encounters with life and death are very normal and prevalent....way more so than what we as North Americans see. We are quite sheltered. Diseases, violence, accidents, are far more in-your-face. I would safely say that Africans are desensitized to these things and just seem to get on with life. I have not been able to stop thinking about it and find myself wondering, was the man I saw on the road a father, a brother, a son? What was he on his way to do when he crashed? Who would be impacted most by his passing? What was he thinking in his final moments? 

Often we don’t take the time to really live and be present in the moments we have. Seeing this really made me critically look at being alive and embracing everything life has to offer. It also made me think twice about driving on South African highways!

Anyway, this is getting long (see, I told you I had a lot to say!) and I will go for now and report back on the weekend about my practicum. There are very exciting things happening there too.

I keep on swinging,

Brianna

Hometowns

I've just been listening to Hometown Glory by Adele and relating to the lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nL49yZNE4yk

It's amazing how quickly someplace can become 'home'. Ive been in Pretoria almost two weeks only, and already I'm creating patterns of living. Worlds have also collided through people who know my people. The world becomes so small through travel. City living here is very much like city living in Calgary, with a few different twists and turns. I have a commute to downtown. I listen to the local radio station in the morning. The cofffee counter boy has memorized my order. I found my nearest supermarket and hairdresser.  I watch the news at night.

Why do we gravitate towards the familiar? When in our regular, normative settings, we don't critically think about our daily routines. Here, I'm facing many unknowns, and in order to try to mitigate fear and uncertainty, I'm doing things similar to what I always do. I guess we are creatures of habit.

This week's focus has mainly been work. I've put in a couple 10 hour days at the office. We are preparing for the official project launch happening next week Tuesday. I'm becoming quickly familiar with the ins and outs of government protocol and how to appropriately deal with officials, politicians and community stakeholders. Going through the 'right' channels is MEGA important, often more so than WHAT is being done. It's a bit of an eye opener as to why things seem to take a long time, procedure is emphasized over product.

I'm not used to these long days...the life of a student is more determined by paper due dates and not so much the daily office grind. Yet I am loving every minute and am jumping right into the work - I have no time to waste given the short period of time I am here. There is definitely a staffing gap as well and the role I'm carving out for myself is clearly needed. Interestingly, if you work past 530 pm in my building, the lights go out. The office goes completely black. I'm not entirely sure why this happens, but I agree with the maneuver, for environmental reasons as well as personal. Turning the lights out on workers is one way to ensure they go home and have a proper work life balance.

Today, around 11 am, there was a staff announcement over the loudspeakers inside. (It felt a bit like being in school, when the principal would make their announcements.) A man stated that there was a water shortage in the building and therefore we had to evacuate. We were to leave immediately and return to work the following morning. People were yelping and dancing in the hallways. Colleagues said to me that this doesn't happen often, but all I could do was laugh and smile and think to myself: TIA (This is Africa).

There are few comical sayings I've picked up that I would like to document. I love how the English language gets used in different ways depending on where you are in the world!

"I'll be with you just now." = "I'll be with you later." (Translation: Just now means later.)
"I"ll be with you now now" = "I'll be with you now." (Translation: Now now means NOW. ) :)
"Howzit?" = "How are you?"
"It's not a train smash." = "It's not the end of the world."

I'll continue to add to this list I'm sure.

Finally, today I drove for the first time in Pretoria. It was actually fine, although I kept hitting the windshield wipers instead of signalling. And, I tended to gravitate toward the curb instead of the middle line. I also once started driving on the wrong side, but only briefly, as headlights were directly flashing at me! It will take some getting used to. People and taxis are definitely hazards here as they are unpredictable and often in your way.  I drove us to the Canadian Pub Night at the High Commission. They have this event once a month and I found out about the event from another Canadian guy here. I had a nice time - met a few other people who just moved here too. Fun to compare stories!! The first question is always: "Where are you from?" I always struggle with this - I don't have a 'hometown'. It is the globe. Although, usually, I say Calgary. :)

Time for bed and am looking forward to the weekend as we are off to Kruger National Park this weekend for a 3 day safari. I can't wait!

Brianna xo

Soweto

On Saturday I spent the entire day in Soweto and Johannesburg. Emma and I left leafy Pretoria and headed south on the NI motorway. The drive itself is quite short (about one hour) amidst the roadworks occurring at a frenzied pace due to the World Cup approaching in 20 days. They are expanding the highway to accommodate the flow of traffic between the two cities - Pretoria visitors rely on Jo'burg's airport as their point of entry.

Driving through and around Johannesburg was a nice surprise. The downtown core is very built up and looking at it, you might just think you were in Boston, Detroit, or some other North American city. It looked lush as well with lots of beautiful trees and gardens. I was struck by how nice the cars were driving by us (Land Rovers, Mercedes, BMW, etc.); there is definitely some money to be made in that town. It looked nothing like the 'Gangster's Paradise' image people had told me about. (To relate the city back to Canada....it's like the Toronto, Pretoria is the Ottawa and Cape Town is the Vancouver of South Africa.)

The mountains surrounding Johannesburg were mined and are very flat and rugged looking. The mining began there in the late 1800s and only now are they revisiting some of the deposits for more gold due to advances in technology. We arrived in Soweto (South Western Township) after driving through the city and could immediately see the difference in architecture. 

The township itself has been in existence since the 1930s. It became significant after the Apartheid movement forced blacks in Johannesburg out of the city and into the area now known as Soweto. It's currently it's own thriving suburb with both rich and poor areas...it's not all what you see and hear about on the news. The total population of Soweto is approximately 1/3 of the total population of Johannesburg. 

Our first stop was in a slum.  I was admittedly initially hesitant and awkward walking around people's homes/lives and I felt a bit like a voyeur. However, we were welcomed and shown around by a local who lives in the slum, and he put my mind at rest with his kind eyes. He said we were welcome and the community was curious about us as much as we were curious about them. Everyone we met said 'good morning'.
 

The slum had no running water (just communal taps), shared porta-toilets, no electricity and each resident had a tiny shack which housed families inside each. My car is about the same size as your average shack. The kids in the gravel street were staring up at us and wanting a picture (for a fee). They were very, very sweet and innocent. I couldn't help but wonder how these kids would survive and what their chances were at leaving Soweto or even the slums. They didn't look sickly though. Just dirty.

We carried on and saw where Winnie Mandela currently lives, the church were Desmond Tutu would give his public addresses and where police would eventually violently enter (there were bullet holes in the ceiling), Nelson Mandela's house (which is now a Museum), and the Hector Pieterson Museum which is located in the spot where that same young boy was killed in 1976 during the Soweto uprising. So much history in such a small little geographical area.

I was moved by how communal Soweto was. Everyone knew everyone else. They were all in it together and for each other...versus the gated off and separate rows of mansions in the 'whiter' areas. But it also struck me that despite Apartheid ending, the divisions are still very, very clear. Whites live here and blacks over there. The effects of Apartheid are going to take generations to overcome, where people truly mix and skin colour is not a dividing factor.

   
Then, in the evening, we went to a rugby match. No, this was not your ordinary rugby match. This was a semi-final, sudden death game between the Bulls (Pretoria) and the Crusaders (not sure but somewhere in New Zealand). The Bulls normally play at Loftus Stadium in Pretoria but they were not able to due World Cup preparations happening there. Therefore, this semi final was played in Soweto, at Orlando Stadium. And, since rugby is a 'white man's game', the historical significance of this event meant that 45 000 white people had to go to Soweto to watch their beloved team. I bet you that over half of that crowd never thought they would purposefully visit Soweto. It was quite the sight and an interesting social experiment if you will. It seemed to go just fine with this mix of boundaries. The organization of the event it self left much to be desired (TIA: This is Africa) but I am really glad I got to experience the event - for the sport and for the historical significance of the location. And, the Bulls won!!!

So, there you have the weekend update.
Brianna xo


 

The President, is it?

Hello all,
 
What a week it has been!! In some ways I feel like I've been in Pretoria forever, as the transition has been so incredibly smooth settling in here. This is mainly to do with the wonderful people I've met who have helped me out over the past 7 days and also having my friend, Emma, still with me. In other ways, however, my mind is being expanded tremendously and so every, single moment feels unique and new. I guess this one of the many blessings of travel.
 
I survived my first week of practicum! You'll find me most days on the 6th floor of a large, curvy, pink and green office tower in downtown Pretoria - where taxis honk (or 'hoot' as they say here), people bustle and drivers whistle out their windows on the busy streets below. The core  is definitely dirtier and more chaotic than my neighborhood. I have spent this week getting used to my new set up (slooooooooow internet and LOTS of security as I enter the building) and attending meetings in order to be 'briefed' on things happening in the Department. It's a bit overwhelming right now but I'm sure things will improve as time goes on. I am slowly getting a picture painted for me as to what my specific role will be and it sounds like I will be conducting some baseline research with child protection social workers in all of the 9 provinces. This means travel throughout South Africa and I couldn't be more chuffed about this. 

Aside: I can't quite get used to the noises here. During both the days and the nights.  At night time it is more obvious, when the world is quiet and loud car engines, gun shots (according to Emma), alarms, sirens, dogs, and crickets (I think) keep me wide awake. Even when I walk out of my house in the morning and take a pause, the sounds are so very intruding.
 
There was a big event in our Department yesterday and it's quite comical that I was a part of it. It was the Official Launch of Child Protection Week and the proclamation of the Children's Act which was done in an address by the President of South Africa, Jacob Zuma (or Jay-Z as the locals call him). I attended a planning meeting for it during the week and my mind was cataloguing all of the different preparations necessary to pull such a thing off. There were also many, many departments involved in pulling this together. Talk about cross-sectoral collaboration. The event itself was held in a township community hall just outside of Pretoria, with 1500 children and carers present along with the necessary dignitaries. It was pretty cool to see the President and hear him speak. However, I was more moved by the children who were there, all in their South African Fifa jerseys and waving their South African flags. When the national anthem was being played the children were, in unison, singing at the top of their lungs, I was really emotional and had to really take a moment to think and notice where I was standing. (I also learned that the Sesame Street characters in this country have HIV. Very interesting.) Read the story here: http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=105&art_id=nw20100521163308251C377799

It was also "Football Friday" whereby all government staff wear their Bafana Bafana (Boys, Boys) jerseys. Bafana Bafana is the name of the South African football team. They are in the World Cup and obviously the local favourite. Apparently it's like this for all Fridays from now on leading up to the kick off. It's kinda like causal Fridays' at home I guess, with a twist. My colleague, Carmen, was kind enough to get me a jersey so I won't stick out like a sore thumb (although, regardless of that, I sorta already do!) I also found out the country's winter school holidays are being extended because of the World Cup.  If only Canada had given us all a vacation during the Olympics! :)

Anyway, that's all I'll say for right this moment. I was in Soweto today and at a Rugby match but that deserves another blog altogether. Thanks for reading.
 
Brianna

Pretoria

I am in my new 'home'. I arrived late Saturday night in a wind storm. I was greeted by Asnath - my landlady's housekeeper who lives next door in her own separate quarters (her grandson and husband also live there). She went over the security measures for the house in great detail after we stepped foot inside. My mind was racing and I couldn't keep track of what key went where, which button meant what, etc. I was just preoccupied with my own thoughts about how different it is here - a society based on mistrust? I DO get why but it will take some getting used to on my part!

The house I am in has gates, barbwire, outdoor beams which detect movement, an indoor alarm system, bars on the doors and windows, as well as individual keys which lock each room. I sleep beside a device that has a panic button on it in case. There are also two dogs here which bark very loudly whenever anyone walks by. (I am an extremely light sleeper so need to get used to this!)

The neighborhood I am in is very nice. A lot of bureaucrats live here apparently. It's quite close to the city centre as well as popular areas such as Hatfield and Brooklyn.  I have done a bit of exploring nearby (there is a gym close yay!!) and feel a bit better since Saturday. The plants and trees are so lush and large, I love it. The sun has been shining everyday too. I will post pictures soon.

There has been no shortage of things to do - I have met some wonderfully social and friendly people. My landlady's son (Jed) is stranded in SA until his passport comes through so he took us around on Sunday and organized a Braai for us tonight. Also, a friend's cousin lives just up the road and we met for dinner last night. He is having a party on Friday so I look forward to going to that and meeting more locals. Also, my colleague at work is super and has offered to introduce me to her friends and take me places to tour on the weekends. I have definitely landed upon some fantastic people that will make this experience even more enriching.

I did start my practicum today which was GREAT. HIGHLIGHT: That I will likely get to travel to other parts of South Africa to conduct some research. Can you believe it?! I need to write a whole other separate blog for that. Stay tuned.

Brianna 

Between

I'm beginning to realize the irony of my title: 'In Between Bars' as this could also refer to the security bars which are covering all windows and doors in my new home. I literally live in between the bars. And behind them.

The word 'between' is becoming noticeably everywhere. It's hard for me not to notice. I saw the following sign up in a winery on Tuesday:

Also, the quote of the day delivered to my inbox yesterday was: "If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with." - Michael Jackson, 1958-2009

And, THEN walking through Pretoria today, a sign beside a block of flats which read: 'In Between'!

(I take these 'signs' as flag posts which tell me I'm on the right path. This familiarity gives me faith and a sense of affirmation.)

This got me thinking about Cape Town's in 'betweens'. It was quite obvious to me who the elites were bustling about the city - those driving fancy cars in their fancy clothes with their fancy accent drinking wine spritzers...very Parisian. Men with their sweaters wrapped around their shoulders and women in their high riding boots. I also noticed those who were at the opposite end of the spectrum - those who live on the fringes of society. Those men and women who desperately beg on street corners and followed me a few blocks, those who watch over parked cars on the street ('job creation' the locals call it), those who live in shacks along with highway, electricity poles (a recent addition) openly draping above. Yet what about those in between? What about those South Africans? Your average working class South African citizen? Who are they? How do they live? Are they happy? Do they believe their society has improved since Apartheid ended? Do they have pride? They often are not as noticeable, going about their own business, yet they do make up the dominant group of people I will meet and come across in the next few months. I will be asking them these questions, among others. And where, more importantly, do I fit in? Am I in between all of this?
 
I was on a very crowded plane headed for Johannesburg last night. I believed it could be an accurate representation of what is on the ground below. Loud. Mix or colours and ethnicities. Languages galore. Aggression. The pilot kept coming on the intercom updating us on a rugby score. Reminded me of what might happen on a WestJet flight during a gold medal hockey match. The flight was incredibly rocky actually and I was terrified for a few minutes.

 Our last few days in Cape Town were excellent. Hard not to fall in love with that city - even in the rain. We visited a museum called District Six on Thursday. It is a tribute to the area of Central Cape Town that was declared a 'White Group Area' in 1966. By 1982, over 60 000 African people were forcibly removed, their houses flattened by bulldozers, to a barren outlying area known as the Cape Flats. The museum is a tribute to those who were affected by the forced removals and is a good example of community development. The community museum was organized by and for the people it is paying tribute to - a good example of how intimate stories of personal lives can uplift spirit, bring people together to triumph in overcoming marginalization. There was nothing fake about that place whatsoever - all the artifacts, the people working, the art, etc. were all donated by those who suffered the most. I left feeling incredibly moved. The land of district six, to this day, remains barren.

Saturday was spent driving along the coast...embracing the sun that had finally graced us with its presence. They week ended all too soon. Cape Town is magnificent.

I have a lot to say about my first impressions of Pretoria and how I feel about living here. I've done a lot of processing in the past 24 hours and still trying to make sense of it all. Let's just say I am feeling a bit like I live in a prison cell. I know it's for my own benefit but feels over dramatic right now.

I have to get up very early for the start of my practicum tomorrow so I really have to get to bed despite my longing to write forever. More about this later.

Brianna (along with an obnoxious cricket which sounds like it's in my room)