Fear: Myth or Truth?

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” - Ambrose Redmoon

Amidst the noise and behind the bars, today I sit with my soul and am reflecting upon the first month of physically being in South Africa. I have struggled to get clarity through the chaos that I experience on a daily basis. More often than not, I’m riddled with questions and alerts regarding my whereabouts in Pretoria and who is nearby, and further who could possibly invade my personal space. I’ve never been so aware of my colour and gender in my life. Externally, the sounds and sights are distracting my every move.

I desperately needed a “Bri” day today which managed to include: a walk to the shops, a run, my favourite songs (ahhhh), a good book/newspaper, sports on TV and delicious food. This morning, the sun shone through the windows as I drank my daily morning coffee. (I couldn’t help but think about the irony of the blaring sun as it tries to compensate for the ‘criminal’ aspect of this place. The sun argues against darkness every day.)

One emotion dominates and permeates my psyche when thinking about my first month. That emotion being fear. Honestly, I was worried about living here before I left Canada; that hasn’t changed...yet it didn’t halt me in my tracks. I was concerned mostly for my own personal safety in South Africa, the country with the most reported violent crime in the world. Typically, I am not a fearful person, in fact, one might argue I was brave for coming to South Africa, alone as a young, vibrant female. I never encounter new situations with fear, I usually embrace them with openness, love, curiosity and acceptance for what is. In South Africa those aforementioned emotions have also been present...with the accompaniment of fear mind you. I’ve sat in between the bars trying to overcome the fear.

What I find myself battling with is whether or not this fear is mythically placed or based in some some sort of reality? What would happen if those security bars were removed from around people’s homes? Anything worthy of the bars being there? I don’t know if they make me feel more or less secure. I also am an amateur on South Africa, so, can’t necessary proclaim to be an expert. However, I do know what the media says (it’s full of terrible stories). I see the concern in people’s eyes and hear the worry in their words when I say I’m here alone. I’m beginning to explore what locals say (I had a long discussion the other night with a young Afrikaans girl who is planning to migrate to Australia with her partner – all they want to do is leave.)

Bearing all of this in mind, I do think I need to make a mental shift and be cautious, not fearful in the months to come. Fear is causing me to stay up at night as I am thinking too much about the “What ifs?" I believe I can get on with things here with a more calmed heart. I trust what people are telling me regarding how to remain safe and am feeling more like my feet are on the ground as each day passes. The earth is solid beneath my shoes as I wander with eyes wider than before.

I am so grateFULL for my practicum. I go to work everyday knowing what my purpose for being here is as well as believing in the purpose! I am getting exactly the kind of experience I wanted....and more. I have already sat and contributed in meetings with banks and development agencies. I have been in training that is relevant and adds to my pre-existing knowledge base including mainstreaming gender in research and project management. I am dealing with children’s rights. Yes!! AND I get to be creative and come up with a research methodology and travel to provinces to interview social workers. Hello? It's social work + management + children + project creativity. All in a day's work. 

I miss you all at home...and am sending lots of love.

Brianna