In Between Head and Heart

I think I have my voice back. Feels good. Somewhere in between my head and my heart the words were lost for awhile there. Mouth quiet. What happens in between that space?  Something goes awry.  The heart feels and the head thinks on it, often twisting, shifting and turning the feelings into something they are not.  Feelings get lost in thin air. Call me over-analytical. Wouldn't be the first time.

My heart is leading now. Chest out.

It is full moon tomorrow. The last full moon I will experience in South Africa. There are going to be a lot of first 'lasts' in the next few weeks. My time here is winding down. Here's what this full moon represents: "The container from which you operate your daily life is being stretched and worked, and you are being asked by spirit to step up to the plate. This is the time of giving birth to a new way of being, and as in real birth, there is no going back." (Agreed.)

My container is definitely being stretched and worked. Growth. I wish you could see growth in a person on the inside. When I arrive back in Canada in a month, I will likely look the same to everyone. My hair might have changed, my nails might have grown, my skin may have a few more wrinkles, etc. However, I will still be Brianna physically. People will recognize me as her. What is not evident, is the transformation, stretching, working, changes in spirit/soul/heart. These things you cannot see. This is disappointing. How do you prove expansion? In words? In eyes? In touch?

My friend David arrives in 3 weeks!!! I can't wait for company. We are planning to spend time in Cape Town and then drive up the coastline to Port Elizabeth before I fly home. It's supposed to be AMAZING scenery. It will be so nice to see a familiar face...I will be blown over with emotion. Lucky him.   

Finally, I had a big day yesterday in the life of my practicum. I had to present the conceptual framework, research questions and methodology for my reserach study to a group of 'child protection experts' during a closed board meeting. Suprisingly, I wasn't even nervous. I was sound in my work prior so felt that I could articulate myself clearly. It went well, and opened the doorway for me to enter into the final phase. I am very happy with what I have accomplished here. 

Blessings, 

Brianna

Threads

Today I attended the National Child Care and Protection Forum in Johannesburg. These happen quarterly and involve provincial and national government staff from various departments as well as national NGO staff. As I sat there and looked around the hot and stuffy room, I couldn't believe that I recognized and KNEW about 50% of the faces in there. There were about 125 attendees so you do the math. In less than 3 months, I have managed to find myself in a 'team'. And amongst 'colleagues', who I consider friends, and who say "hi, how are you?" and all that. They know my role and where I fit in. Wow. That felt really, really good. Especially because I am a young foreigner who REALLY feels out of place most of the time.

All of these faces will be threads, weaving in and out of my mind, for the rest of my life. I don't forget faces.

As we drove home, yelling above the radio (Carmen and I do this when we get excited - I'll miss her), I realized that this purpose of mine, this motivating force, will be done and gone in about 3 weeks. I have worked so very hard for the last 11 months, on and through my Masters. This practicum is the accumulation of all the learning and final test. I have immersed myself in the job at hand, acting as if I was a full-time staff member, not a learner. It gives me life. And then, suddenly, poof! It will be over and I'll be home and onto the next challenge. This made my heart sad.

I have hence made a promise to myself, that I will not look behind me or ahead of me until the time comes to say good-bye.

Presently yours,
Brianna

Commercial Break

Oh little blog + friends how I have been neglecting thee. I'm here, alive and 50% well. Just overwhelmed and can't seem to find the 'space between' to write and synthesize my thoughts.

I've definitely hit 'the wall' as I call it - the time when the excitement and adrenaline from being in a new place wears off and you're stuck with yourself.  I am reminded of the marathon I ran, and hitting the wall after going straight for 3 hours, then having to find the strength somewhere, somehow to continue. The soul-searching begins now. I guess I have practice.

I will be back soon, once I get clarity from digging deep.

Brianna xo

Cutting Through the Clutter

Hi, 

I can't believe another week has come and gone. Time is going by here so incredibly fast. It was a tumultuous week full of highs and lows. The nature of being solitary and in a foreign land is like that. Lots of swinging up and down. Back and forth. Admittedly, I have had a hard time stilling my mind since arriving here. The school work is piling up now and I'm trying to cut through the clutter in my head and focus on the tasks at hand but it's often got it's own agenda and busy with thoughts. About what I'm seeing. Experiencing. Tasting. Doing. Feeling. Now. BUT I'm also preoccupied with what's next for me. In the closing of this chapter (which is merely weeks away!), another will be written. I just don't know the plot just yet....and that feels scary. The space in between can be an overwhelming, confusing, debilitating time.....despite the feeling of freedom and being airborne.

Lots to say. First, I wrote this update for the foundation which gave me a scholarship to support my work here. It's quite comprehensive if you would like to read it:

http://www.ucalgary.ca/md/PARHAD/studentships/student-2010-bstrumm.htm

The highs. Yesterday I attended this conference: http://www.kidsrightsmdgsconference.com/ 
It was incredible. Not only was the content extremely relevant to my work and long-term career goals, but the speakers panel was remarkable. Graca Machel (Mandela's wife and long-standing social activist), F.W. de Klerk (former president of South Africa and Nobel peace prize winner), and Desmond Tutu (no explanation required) were all there and spoke to open and close the conference. Wow. I was starstruck as well as deeply effected by their words. I left feeling uplifted and hopeful despite the disappointing facts regarding children's health, education and poverty around the world. The conference and time spent in the presence of Tutu will forever be a beacon of light in my life as I progress as a social worker. I went up to Tutu at the end of the day and spoke with him for a moment before someone snapped this:

Wow. GrateFULLness.

The conference also recognized Children's Peace Prize awards given out every year- there were 3 winners in attendance. The 2009 winner struck a chord with me, a young Congolese boy named Baruani Ndume who fled from the violence in DR Congo when he was seven years old. Both of his parents were killed during the conflict. Baruani has lived in the refugee camp in Tanzania for over nine years but converted his difficult life there into something powerful, including starting a radio show for refugee children. The radio show, called 'Sisi kwa Sisi' (Children for Children), airs on Radio Kwizera in Tanzania, Congo, Rwanda, and Burundi. In his radio show, Baruani discusses the problems and challenges refugee children face in the camp and offers an ear and advice. Here I am with this magnificent boy:

 
The lows. An old and dear friend of mine's mother suddenly passed away this week from an unstoppable cancer. I'm in Pretoria and she's in Calgary. I'm torturing myself over not being there for her physically. I know that you can't plan these things, and that the universe has placed me here now, but I've been unable to calm down. I take pride in the fact that I'm the 'go to gal' and I enjoy giving support to others. I think I get this from my grandmother who was tirelessly helping other people. I'm a way better giver of support than receiver of it. This experience has exposed just how much I shape my identity by this trait and how in being far away from the people I love, it is stifled. This is one of the many things I am learning about myself here. The learning never ends.


I think I'll close there. Too much clutter.


Love from me,
B

 

Behind the Scenes

I thought it might be fun to share with you all what happens at a live World Cup match. There is quite a lot you don't see on TV. I took note the other night when I was at Japan vs. Paraguay. It was not a very high-scoring game, (0-0), but the penalty kicks were something else!! What a devastating way to lose for Japan. :( That was my second and final WC game. Now I sit at home and watch the elimination round with the rest of the world.There are also no more games in Pretoria. Phew!

• Right before the game starts, Could You Be Loved by Bob Marley is played on the speakers. Awesome.
• Warm-up happens about 40 min prior to game time. Each team is welcomed and their name announced separately as they run onto the field.
• At half-time, cheerleaders come onto the field. Yes, there are cheerleaders in World Cup soccer.
• The cheerleaders perform a routine to Waka Waka by Shakira. The entire crowd gets up and dances!
• Right before the players march out onto the field from the tunnel, photographers are allowed to run up beside the tunnel in a clump. It's hilarious to watch them all battle for position within this roped off area.
• The only beer served is Budweiser. Terrible!
• An entire side of the stands is taken up by the press and media. They sit at white tables.
• The vuvuzelas are actually louder than you think.
• The players who sit on the bench go on the field at half-time and run around and stretch in case they play in the second half.
• The wave is usually conducted!
• Finally, people are VERY creative with regards to their costuming and there are face painters on site ready to give everyone a flag of their choice on cheeks!

Here is a video of the noise I took from my camera at Ellis Park Stadium during the USA vs.Slovenia match:

GHANA all the way now!

Brianna

Victoria Falls and Brianna Falls

 Hello!

This past weekend I explored Victoria Falls with a new friend, Romy. What a wonderful place. However, this was an expensive expedition as I was charged $50 USD both to go in and to go out of Zambia. I would have saved myself 50% by presenting a World Cup ticket – who knew immigration departments had sales?? Zimbabwe then charged me $75 for a Visitor Visa. My South African counterpart was charged nothing. What did Canada ever do? Regardless, it was worth the cost. Victoria Falls are magnificent. They are more rugged and raw than Niagara. They remind you who is boss: Mother Nature. As a visitor, you can get very close…almost dangerously so but this is Africa. The Falls run along a deep canyon for many kms. I loved the noise (roar) of the Falls and the mist that came up from the trenches below. Bright rainbows shone in the water.  In many sections, it was impossible to even see the Falls as the spray was so intense. I wore a rain coat, and even then, got soaked.

We went to the Falls twice, in the daytime and again at night to witness the ‘lunar rainbow’. This is the only place in the world where you can see this due to the brightness of the full moon. (You used to be able to see this phenomenon at Niagara Falls but not anymore due to commercial development in the area.) What an amazing sight this was! Spiritual. We were guided through the park by a Ranger with a dull lantern and at one point he says, “Turn around”. Voila! A rainbow in the mist! It was so dark you couldn’t even see the Falls (however, you could sure feel them as water battered our clothes). The universe felt HUGE in that time and space.

Going into the weekend, I also wanted to experience the ‘adventure’ offered at Victoria Falls. The Bridge over the Falls is known for its bungee jump.  I have been talking about doing the bungee for a few months. Yet, when I got there, I wasn’t excited, rather, I felt sick to my stomach just looking at the ropes. I was quickly reminded how much I dislike the feeling of going upside down (even as a child on the playground) and thought, “I don’t know that I want to do this anymore”! It felt very stressful and as I stood on the ledge, looking down, bungee cord wrapped around my feet, a war was raging inside of me:

EGO: “Bungee you silly moron. You can do this. Everyone else does it. You are lame. It’s only a few seconds of your life. See? Others come back alive and smiling.”

SOUL: “You don’t need to bungee. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You are centered and pure. You don’t have to go through this agony to show that you are brave.”

EGO: “What will everyone think if you don’t do it? Oh, man, you are so stupid. Just do it.”

SOUL: “Breathe. If it does not feel right, there will be other opportunities when you can come back to this spot. You are already strong. You face your fears daily.”   

I stepped back and never felt braver.              

SOUL  1                 EGO  0

Since this defining moment, I have been looking for an explanation or further understanding as to what I was experienced there, on the bridge. This passage comes close:  

“The ego wants us to do things to be accepted. It will never happen. The ego is coming from the premise that we are essentially incomplete. Actions that stem from the acceptance of my Being are totally different from actions that arise from the doing of my ego, even though the actions may look identical. One is done in the full Consciousness of Soul and Love of Self. The other is done from a sense of incompleteness, inferiority, and fear of not being enough. It is our choice. It merely takes a shift in perception from ego to Soul-Centered Awareness."

Now, don't be fooled. I still jumped. But on MY terms and with a shift in my perception of jumping. I did what was called the Gorge Swing. I fell in a swinging motion, rather than just straight down. In fact, the speed of the fall is faster than bungeeing because of the momentum. I LOVED IT! I was in control, and able to embrace the fall, without fear, and felt fully in my heart as I stepped off the edge. Who knew you could feel so GROUNDED flying through the air?

I am fortunate to have had this 'soul vs. ego' debate arrive, unexpectedly, and as a result, am more in touch with  myself than ever before. 

Finally, I must also comment on how beautiful Zimbabweans are, on the inside and out. We were greeted with such warmth, generosity and kindness. Thank you.

Until next time, 

Brianna

PS-I can't help but laugh at my own ability to take this "In Between Bars" theme to a whole new level now. I literally did hurl myself through the air!

5 slogans

Excellent timing (as always) that this video by Pema Chodron (love her) came across my path today.

I needed this teaching as I lean back, look up and throw my arms around what I've experienced and learned in the past 7 weeks. I'm halfway through.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIeetlSjwvg

The five slogans of Machig Labdron teach us how to work with fear, aversion, and suffering in the context of the great motivation to benefit others:

1. Confess your hidden faults.
2. Approach what you find repulsive.
3. Help those you think you cannot help. Or, help those you do not want to help.
4. Anything you are attached to, give that.
5. Go to the places that scare you.
 
Brianna